


How Important is Sex?

by VikLovesFeet



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Asexuality, Happy Ending, Language, M/M, Self Loathing, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VikLovesFeet/pseuds/VikLovesFeet
Summary: Sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It brings two - sometimes more - people together in such an intimate way, feelings shared without being spoken, finding ecstasy, and trust created.That’s what Yuuri thinks… so why doesn’t his body agree?Yuuri's still trying to figure himself out, hating himself along the way. Enter Viktor, can he help Yuuri learn to accept who he is?





	How Important is Sex?

**Author's Note:**

> This story is really close to the heart, it was such a pleasure to write for the Namida Zine <3  
> please enjoy!

Sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It brings two - sometimes more - people together in such an intimate way, feelings shared without being spoken, finding ecstasy, and trust created.

That’s what Yuuri thinks… so why doesn’t his body agree?

~ * ~

Yuuri’s known about asexuality since he was nineteen and he was in his second serious relationship, Noah had been  _ nice _ and when Yuuri told him that he didn’t want to have sex with him, he understood.

Though, he didn’t  _ really  _ understand and one night when Noah was drinking he climbed on top of Yuuri, and Yuuri let him because it was Noah’s birthday and  _ fine,  _ just this once. But, after that Yuuri didn’t end up saying anything and Noah assumed it was okay to keep trying. Yuuri let him. They only stayed together for another five months.

~ * ~

Yuuri spoke to his therapist about it once,  _ “maybe you’re just with inexperienced partners, _ ” they had said.

_ “I just don’t like sex _ ,” he had told her.  _ “I don’t crave it, I don’t want it.” _

_ “You just need a partner who knows what they’re doing. Why don’t you wait longer than a week or two before sleeping with someone. _ ”

Yuuri doesn’t  _ want  _ to be asexual, he wants to enjoy sex, he wants it to be easy and  _ fun.  _ Not whatever this is.

~ * ~

Yuuri steps back from Viktor, pulling away from the kiss and Viktor chases after him for a moment but opens his eyes and straightens up, “do you want-”

“Tonight was nice,” Yuuri cuts him off before he can make an offer Yuuri is notoriously bad at turning down, though regrets every time. 

Viktor’s hand slips out of Yuuri’s hand as he takes the steps of the stoop backwards, he looks confused and maybe a little concerned and Yuuri’s chest burns with embarrassment, “will you call?”

_ Of course he won’t call, without sex he’s gonna think I’m not interested, _ Yuuri thinks. But Viktor’s confusion melts into a warm smile, “I will,” he promises.

“O- okay then… goodnight.”

“Goodnight Yuuri,” but Yuuri’s already turned to leave, his heart pounding under his ribs.

Thoughts running through his head like a marathon, determined to convince him that he’ll never see Viktor again. Telling him that  _ maybe  _ Viktor will wait tonight… but the next date, or the one after that? There’s bound to be a point where he won’t wait for Yuuri anymore.

~ * ~

But Viktor does.

Two months have gone by and after two movies holding hands between seats, three dinners flirting through the candlelight, and four lunches in the warm sun sharing bites between sweet conversation, they’re still parting ways with just a kiss and the sweetest smile Yuuri’s ever been blessed with.

“Thanks for spending your lunch break with me, Yuuri,” Viktor says as he steps back, he doesn’t seem to want to let go of Yuuri’s hand because he doesn’t let it go until it slips from his grasp, Yuuri can’t fight the smile that twists onto his lips at Viktor’s charm.

“Anytime,” he promises. His cheeks hurt. They walk backwards away from each other, Viktor down the sidewalk towards his office and Yuuri into the doors of his shop. “Watch-” He tries to warn but Viktor’s already backing into a light pole and Yuuri’s giggling.

“Oof,” he turns to the pole, “sorry!” And Yuuri’s laughing more.

“Watch where you’re going!”

“I thought I was!”

Yuuri shakes his head, “what does that mean?” He laughs again. Viktor doesn’t answer, doesn’t say that Yuuri is where he wants to go, towards Yuuri, with Yuuri, a future of  _ Yuuri _ .

Instead he says, “bye Yuuri,” with that sweet sweet smile. Yuuri turns towards the door, squeezing the handle and his eyes shut hard, he holds back a squeal and his shoulders tense, but still a wave of excitement ripples through his body like a heavy current. And Yuuri wants to be dragged out to sea.

~ * ~  


“I’m just gonna do it,” Yuuri tells himself while getting ready for dinner. He shaves and he trims even though he hates how it looks and how it feels when it grows back. He cleans himself thoroughly and dresses in his sexiest lingerie, gifts from exes who just didn’t see (or want to listen to) Yuuri’s disinterest.

Even with the conviction he feels sick to his stomach with worry, feeling like the worst thing in the world is about to happen. And  _ fuck _ , he just wants to enjoy his time with Viktor, they have such a good time together.

The heavy feeling in his stomach doesn’t go away all through dinner, Viktor asks him if everything's alright and Yuuri wants to rub away the crinkle between his brows. Tonight’s supposed to be good, it’s got to be, for Viktor, for  _ them _ , so he can keep Viktor.

~ * ~

Viktor’s lips are soft, his breath is warm and his tongue is… there. Yuuri hates kissing. What’s the point? He can’t breathe, his mouth feels dry, and it goes on for _ ever _ . No offense, but he doesn’t want to taste what the other person just ate. He can’t focus, stupid thoughts running through his head, and worst of all… it always leads to sex.

Maybe it doesn’t have to lead to sex, maybe it doesn’t have to go further then just two mouths and wandering hands, but Yuuri doesn’t get it… what’s the appeal to any of it? Viktor’s beautiful, that much he understands and sure, he wouldn’t mind kissing the lines of his back or running his fingers through that silky hair. Yuuri likes simple things like that.

But not in a sexual way.

Maybe kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex but Yuuri doesn’t know when it’s supposed to end and he gets bored of it quickly and usually says something like  _ wanna go into the bedroom? _ to rush things along to the end.

Just like now, “should we...?” He thumbs to Viktor’s room.

And Viktor. He lights up, his teeth - so white and so brilliant - sink into his lip, a smile fighting to curl up. He nods and his bangs fall to cover his eye.

~ * ~

The hot water rains down his body erasing every last trace of Viktor. Perfect, sweet Viktor who hasn’t done anything wrong, who deserves everything and Yuuri… Yuuri can’t  _ give  _ him everything. Not if he’s going to end up in a shower trying to forget that feeling of discomfort, of drowning in fake moans and the sinking in his chest with every gasp and deep breath that he forced to roll off his tongue.

Viktor’s probably  _ very  _ good at sex, it’s not fair that Yuuri’s wasting his skills and worse, completely hating every second. Yuuri really thought this time that maybe Viktor could be the one to turn him on, to make him beg for it, or at least, get hard. Is that too much to ask?

_ Yuuri didn’t know what to do when they got into Viktor’s bedroom so he just sat on the bed, legs twisted shut and hands pressed together between his thighs. Viktor shut the door, “Makkachin,” he had said, “she likes to follow me in here,” and then he sat on the bed next to Yuuri. _

_ He ran a hand down Yuuri’s arm and Yuuri didn’t shy away, he doesn’t mind gentle touches like that from Viktor anymore. _

_ “You look beautiful,” and it made Yuuri’s cheeks burn. _

_ Yuuri knows what to do now, Viktor leans in to kiss him again so Yuuri pulls his shirt over his head quickly, his nerves boil from his toes to his fingertips. Viktor gasps at the reveal of the dark lace under Yuuri’s shirt and Yuuri feels Viktor’s fingers dip into his waistline to follow the lace down. _

_ His stomach retracts at the touch and Viktor asks, “may I?” _

_ “Mhm,” Yuuri says, as he lets his shirt fall to the floor. _

_ Yuuri stands to let him pull them down. He tugs Yuuri close, he obediently steps between Viktor’s legs and Viktor pushes his pants down for Yuuri to step out of them. _

Yuuri scrubs his arms and his legs, he can still feel the lube between his cheeks, he chokes back a sob as he gently washes there as well.

_ “Yuuri? Does it hurt? You’re so tight.” Viktor’s tone is gentle, his fingers stop moving. Yuuri doesn’t know how many he has in but he knows it’s more than he wants. _

_ “It’s fine, so good,” he forces out, “you can stick it in, I need you.”  _ To hurry up _ , he didn’t say. _

_ “A- are you sure?” _

_ “Yeah, god yes.” Yuuri crawls onto his elbows and knees so he doesn’t have to look Viktor in the face. He can fake the noises but when it hurts he can’t fake the faces for too long. _

_ When Viktor says “I want to see your beautiful face,” Yuuri just tells him, “maybe next time.” And he definitely didn’t see Viktor’s look of concern. _

Yuuri leans back against the cold tile and stares at the indents in his palm where he dug his nails. “Fuck!” He yells out to no one. What’s the point, no one’s ever going to love him like this, no one wants to be with a man they can’t touch, can’t hold, no one wants to hold back their lust like a pining friend instead of a boyfriend. 

_ Yuuri was so caught up in his act that he didn’t hear Viktor talking to him, he was moving slowly in and out and Yuuri just wanted him to finish. _

_ “Yuuri, you don’t really seem into it,” and then Viktor stopped moving and Yuuri got desperate, “come on, baby, come in me,” he had encouraged. He pushed back onto Viktor to get him to do something,  _ anything.

_ “If this is hurting you, let’s stop,” Viktor said and Yuuri didn’t hear the gentleness in his voice anymore, all he heard was his own thoughts screaming at him, telling him that Viktor was disappointed he wouldn’t get to finish, telling him that Viktor definitely wasn’t going to call again. _

_ Viktor pulled out and Yuuri pushed himself up and twisted to see Viktor’s face The crease in his eyebrows looked like anger instead of the concern it actually was and Yuuri got up and ran. He tripped out of the bed and grabbed his clothes, he didn’t hear Viktor and he didn’t look back as he left. _

~ * ~

Yuuri didn’t have any trouble sleeping that night, he cried himself dry, he was exhausted and curled around the warm comfort of Vicchan. The wind blowing through his window loud enough to lull him to sleep and cool enough to quiet his hot skin.

When he woke up that morning he decided to stay in bed, Vicchan could wait a little longer to eat this morning. He patiently waited for Yuuri as if he knew, unlike every other day when he’d cry until Yuuri crawled out of bed.

And when someone knocks at his door he almost doesn’t get out of bed, but he figures it will only take a second to tell his neighbor that he doesn’t know where her cat is.

“Sorry, I don’t-” he says as he opens the door but when he sees who it is he stops, “Viktor…” he breathes.

“Hi Yuuri,” and Viktor seems… nervous. He’s chewing his lip, picking at his fingernails, his shoulders tensed.

“W- what are you… doing here?”

“I’m!” He shrinks back after the outburst, “I wanted to apologise!”

“Apologise?” Yuuri’s surprise evident in his voice.

“I wanted to give you, um, space, but I couldn’t leave last night the way it ended. I don’t want… to lose you, to lose… this?” He gestures between them.

Yuuri grimaces and Viktor takes it as a sign that it’s too late. “I’m sorry, I can go.” And when he steps back Yuuri’s pulse feels like it might burst.

“No! Viktor.” Yuuri’s hand is around his wrist before he can get further than a foot from the door. “Please… come in.”

He puts on the kettle and invites Viktor to sit, “um anywhere is fine.” Viktor chooses the stool in the kitchen and Yuuri is grateful, this way he can stay standing, the cold floor keeping him cool. He puts food in Vicchan’s bowl and the dog runs over so fast he almost slides past the bowl. Yuuri would laugh, but he can’t get past the itchy feeling in his gut.

“You obviously weren’t comfortable last night and I’m sorry if I pressured you,” Viktor rushed out, when Yuuri turned to face him he looked down at his hands as if ashamed, “I would never want to hurt you or make you do anything you didn’t want!”

“Viktor…”

“If you want to wait or if you don’t think I’m very good we can-”

“Viktor.”

“-talk about what you like more in depth or… i don’t know, if you want to top-”

Yuuri strides over to him and falls to his knees so Viktor can’t ignore him, “I’m asexual” he stresses.

Viktor finally stops talking. Oh god, he just said it. Now what? Now it all ends for real.

“Oh.” His face falls flat, Yuuri’s hands squeeze into fists, his stomach aches, he wants to scream. Viktor breathes out, “oh,” like he’s realizing something. And then a gasp, his face contorting in horror, “oh! Yuuri!” He stands and Yuuri almost falls back but Viktor catches him, grabbing him by the wrists and tugging him up and into a hug. “I’m  _ so  _ sorry,” and he’s almost begging. For what?

“It’s-”

But before Yuuri can finish his sentence,  _ it’s me who should be sorry. It’s me who’s sorry we can’t stay together.  _ In another universe they could be happily together and happily making love every damn night. Before Yuuri can admit that, Viktor pushes back and away from him as if scalded by boiling water, and Yuuri thinks,  _ ah, there it is. _

“I’m sorry, is it okay if I hug you… I don’t really… know how to um… i don’t know.”

_ There it… isn’t?  _ Yuuri blinks and his eyes are wide,  _ what… _ “O- of course you can hug me.”

Viktor sniffs and pulls Yuuri back in again, his hold is tight and Yuuri feels safe, his worries slowly falling off like heavy weights. “You’re not mad?” He asks.

“I am mad. At myself.”

“What?” Yuuri’s confused.

This time Yuuri pulls back and then he realizes the kettles been singing, he turns to look at it and then turns back to Viktor who’s staring at him with fierce eyes and he feels like he’s being pulled in. He steps back, pulling himself from the gravity of the stare and turns towards the stove to turn it off.

His hands shake but he pours two cups of tea, Viktor waits silently until Yuuri joins him at the island and they both sit. 

“I’m sorry I wasted your time,” Yuuri starts, he doesn’t look at Viktor.

“You- want to end this?” Viktor asks. The sound of his voice makes Yuuri’s chest hurt, he turns to look at the man and sees the tears flick off the ends of his eyelashes.

“Wha-”

“I suppose that makes sense considering...”

“I- I- I just… I’m sure there are things you want! Things you need! And I can’t give them to you.”

Viktor won’t look at him now, “you. Are the only thing I want.” He turns and grips Yuuri’s hands between his, “won’t you give me that?”

“Y- yes,” Yuuri chokes on his answer holding back a sob. “But what about-”

“Yuuri, you are  _ amazing _ . If we never had sex again I could live with that, I just want to be with you, if that’s alright?”

Yuuri can barely see through the tears, they leave salt trails down his cheeks and Viktor rubs them away with a thumb. “Y- yes.” He says again, stupidly.

“Just tell me what to do Yuuri. I… think I have some research to do, because, unfortunately, I don’t know too much about it.”

_ Research.  _ No one’s ever given Yuuri so much love, he doesn’t know what to do with it all.

“What I’ve heard is typically different for each person… what don’t you want, or is it easier to say what you do want? Can we hold hands? Oh my god,” Viktor’s voice goes muffled as he slaps his hands to his face, “how long have I made you uncomfortable!”

“N- no! I love holding hands! I love hugs, and your touches,” Yuuri blushes at the admission, but if this is going to work he has to be completely honest. “I like gentle kisses… but not really making out. I like when you sit in my l- lap and let me play with your hair. I like when you kiss my cheek and my forehead and my nose and my shoulders and my hands. I like when our legs tangle together and when you tickle my sides, when you rest your head in my lap and run your fingers up and down my legs, and blowing raspberries into your stomach.

“W- what can’t you do without, because I’m sure I could-”

“No. Don’t do that, Yuuri,” he says sternly. “The only thing I can’t live without is you!” When Viktor realizes what he’s said his face turns the brightest red and Yuuri can’t hold back the giggle, the sweetness fills him to the brim, finally dropping that last bit of awful nervousness. “I- I mean, like in this moment, I don’t want to, like… lose you.

“I don’t want you to fall into some sort of habit where you lie to me… and do what you think I want. Do… do you promise to always be honest with me?” He takes Yuuri’s hands between his, “Do you promise to always tell me when I need to back off and let me know if something’s too much?”

“Yeah. Um, yeah.” Yuuri doesn’t want to pull his hands away from Viktor so he hides his face in his shoulder, using it to wipe another streak of tears from his cheek. Viktor moves a hand to his cheek and coaxes Yuuri to face him again.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

“No, re-”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, please let me apologise, I never want to hurt you.”

Yuuri smiles, nuzzling into Viktor’s hand, “thank you, Viktor.”

All the worrying, all the wonderful nights the voice in his head ruined, it was all for nothing. But here, now, with Viktor, he can move on,  _ they _ can move on.

“Sex isn’t that important to me, anyway,” Viktor says, and Yuuri is disinclined to believe him until he adds, “you’re hot, Yuuri, but what I really want is to hear your adorable laughter and your savage comments about how a movie got this and that wrong.”

Yuuri feels his face scrunch to keep from crying  _ again.  _ Afterall, being with Viktor has taught Yuuri other ways to feel intimate with someone, how to share feelings with touches and encouragements, creating trust with gestures and actions, and there are definitely other ways to find ecstasy together.

Maybe being asexual isn’t all that bad.


End file.
